Magic Moments

I get strep
It feels terrible
I fight to feel better but in the end, have to give in to the pain
It felt close to depression and my panic attack
I remembered that things happen FOR me not TO me
I found gratitude in my situation
That turned into gratitude for my living situation and having the help and support of Harold and his parents
I feel better today
I tell myself that today I will write… and instantly I start to do “other shit” productive shit but other shit! Lol
I folded a mountain of clothes, put them away, and even did the socks…. This is huge… I don’t even know how to explain what a task this is for me at this point! I watched some of my favorite YouTubers and actually let my brain veg out. It felt good.
I got into an Instagram circle and lucking I have been listening to the 5-second rule book and I 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 put down the phone.

I go out to smoke and decide it’s a good idea to use my smoking time as writing time.. Like always.. Why hadn’t I thought of that before?! I go for a gratitude list of course… I wanted to be in a good mental state when I started to write.

I come inside and lay on my bed… it doesn’t have some left over clothes on it because that was the excuse I was using to not have to write! I write all of a title… and say to myself “FUCK I’M STARVING”

Now, let’s think about this. Immediately I was able to tell that the thought was an automatic thought… I usually eat a ton of shit on the reg and most definitely when I’m on the computer! Where did this thought come from?! I haven’t eaten in two days because I’m sick and although I have been hungry it hasn’t’ been THAT bad. Was it because I smoked…. Nope… at least I don’t believe that. Sure the munchies come when I smoke but definitely not 3 minutes after coming inside! It was a HABIT!

I took a minute to realize that writing was definitely a habit that I wanted to start but eating every time I get on the computer was not the best idea to go with. Since I was about to write out the words “Things happen FOR me not TO me” on screen I said to myself “this is the perfect time to start a new habit! At it is!! It hurts too much to eat right now so that is out of the question but maybe tea! A warm cup of tea might actually feel good!” I don’t think twice about it and get up to the kitchen. With each step I take I silence the fear of pain each time I swallow.. I silence the voice that says “Oh you are going to be one of ‘those’ people” (what does that even mean! Why do I do this to myself!)… I silence the thought that I don’t even really like tea! I crush out the darkness and step into the light!

Writing in the kitchen is a great idea. It’s more comfortable to be sitting up anyway. Looking for the cup to drink my tea in I found my “self-publishing school” warmer cup… YES! YES!!! That was definitely a sign that I am moving in the right direction!!!!!

While the water is warming I take a minute to do the dishes… I silence the voice that says “I feel like shit… I don’t have time for this… it’s going to take too long…” The dishes get done in all of the 2 minutes it took to wash what was there. The mind can be a little crazy when you step back and realize all the ways you hold your self back!

While washing I remember “mindful eating” – this was the perfect starting point!! I took my warm water and started to steep my tea. I took slow deep breaths and noticed how warm and fruity it smelled. I looked at the little herbs inside trying to spot the yellow specs (that’s one of my grounding tools… spotting yellow objects in the room). I took my time and tried to savor the moment. Did I do this for the whole 5 minutes… nope.. Not at all…. My mind wanders constantly! It’s like a child really! But I would gently guide myself back to the present moment…. And enjoy… and you know what.. I was proud of myself!

I decided to add a spoon full of honey to my tea because honey just makes everything better! I visualized myself enjoying my cup of tea. I visualized the warm tea soothing my throat. I visualized making this a new habit! I visualized myself happy and proud… that was easy because I was!! I have come a long way to get to this moment. I am grateful!!

And now I have been writing for maybe 30 minutes. My tea is delicious and my throat feels much better! There is power in positivity… I have no doubt about that!

5, 4, 3, 2, 1….

Because today is as good a day as any.

Because I am brave.

Because I have courage.

Because I am worthy.

Because I am awesome.

Because I can do anything.

Because I am ready.

Because I love this energy.

Because I am happy

Because I deserve this.

Because it feels good.

Because I want to help.

Because I am not alone.

Because I am love.

Because I am sexy enough.

Because I love myself.

Hello Summer

This is it! The day I go all in! Here we go!

This is a letter to myself. A letter that says its ok to be scared and its ok to not know what is next.

I am certain of one thing… if I were giving my younger “self” advise… I would say START NOW! Just start. Take a leap. FLY! SOAR!!!! Please don’t wait another second. Stop over thinking! You can do this! You are amazing and freaking awesome! You can do anything! You can make any dream come true… all you have to do is START!

With that in mind, I come to this blog with an open heart. I want it to be a place where I can be honest. A place to look back and see how much I have grown. To have solid evidence of the magic that exist in my life. A place to share my gratitude for this gift called LIFE!

It is the time of the year for summer solstice… they say that it is a time to share your personal light with the world. To celebrate life and our gifts. To celebrate memories and accomplishments in our journey. It is a time to celebrate our beautiful authentic self.

So, happy summer! Welcome to my journey to finding self-love. I want to share my love journey. Tell you the story of how I fell in love with myself. I want you to know the types of horrible things that can really go on in a person’s mind so that you can see that whatever it is you think is so strange about you… really isn’t so bad.

Assistant Director

I said I needed to do this every day. I feel like the only thing holding me back at this point is some fear I can’t really put my finger on. Since I can’t work on it directly I am going to attempt to push through my old way of doing thing. I am going to focus my attention on becoming the type of person that I am being called to be.

I am amazed what a difference it makes when I “act the part” of this new person that I desire to be. I am confident. I am strong. I am funny. I am kind. I am open minded. I am open hearted. I am a healer. I am light and love. It takes me a moment to really FEEL this inside…. but once I do… once I am present…. I can feel the girl inside me light up.

Today it felt like we got to spend a long time together… me and my heart… Today we filmed our first semi professional commercial for FitRacers. I naturally took on the role of assistant director… I have never worked in film or production. It is something that I have always been curios of though! Today I got to really feel the role of being part of a filmmaking crew.

We had a great time! The vibe with the group was awesome. The director and I had a great vibe as well! He let me ask a ton of questions about the process and even showed me a few movies he had made in the past. I really had such a fun day!!

I could see today how my social and creative cup felt full. I came come and felt a spark inside me.. vs the “robotic” feeling. I am so ready for change! Today had such a good vibe! I am excited for tomorrow ❤

Love and Light

Nancy

Always start with gratitude

I did it. I taped my first blog post. It was terrifying and it has taken me YEARS to get this first one out… but it is finally here… in all its glory!

I am so proud of myself for really letting go and speaking from my heart. I had no plan as to what this video was even going to be about when I hit play. You can see me grab my journal and I am flipping through the pages and the first on to catch my attention was my 2016 Gratitude list.

I intend to improve each video that I make. This video is raw and uncut and perfectly imperfect!

I am so proud of me =)

 

Aha Moment

My name is Nancy. I am 35 years old. I am the very awesome mom of two beautifully special kids. I am an amazing wife to my best friend. I grew up in a beautiful family where things worked. My mom and dad where best friends who fell in love and lived happily ever after. My sister and I are five years apart and have pretty much always been best friends. My childhood was perfect. Filled with family fun and adventures. My parents lived the good life and gave my sister and I all that they could.

At the time that was not good enough for me. At the time I remember thinking about how I wanted to be part of a “normal family” – what did that even mean to me?!? I knew that my mom didn’t always cook the yummiest of home cooked meals. I knew that my dad spent A LOT of time working. I knew we didn’t sit down for dinner as a family very often. Those are the big memories that stand out to me at the moment. They sure don’t seem very different from my life as a mom today…

That leaves me feeling the need to fix this problem – and lets not even call it a problem… lets call it a cycle. If I am making my children feel like their family life is so “not normal” then maybe those things that I was so concerned about as a child need to change. Maybe if I just tweeked those three little things… maybe my life would really SHIFT!

Lets see… I can see me in our house next year February 2,2018. My hubs and I are settled into our new home that we built and designed just for us. We were able to build our dream home with the money I started making when I took the true leap of faith and left my job as bedside nurse. Our house is beautiful and full of love. In the last year I learned to really manage our money and was able to pay off our debt and student loans. We are managing our money like responsible adults and we couldn’t be happier.

Since I’m basically working from home now I have been able to organize our household. I finally made that home management binder and meal planner. I’m doing all those things I’ve always dreamed of doing in our home. Some how I have managed to make time for crafting and learning with the kids. Since both the hubs and I were able to “take the leap of faith” we are both able to manage our schedules in a manner that sets aside our afternoons for family time. We have dinner together and spend the evenings as a family. We have learned to balance our family, personal, love, and even work life.

I have created the family that I used to fantasize about as a child. I am literally living my dream. Finding happiness like this has opened up possibilities to our family that we once only could dream about. Because I found love and light… because I SURVIVED… because I  LOVED…. I am here today. I am enough. I am love. I forgive myself for ever thinking any differently. I was asleep…. I just didn’t know. I forgive myself for misunderstanding. I love myself. I am ready to release this fear. I am ready to move forward. I welcome change. I welcome love. I welcome abundance. I am grateful for this dream come true life that I have been blessed with. I am grateful for the abundance of love that surrounds me. I am grateful that I have always had my own back. I am grateful that through all these life cycles I am always willing to change and grow. I am grateful for my open heart. I love myself.

 

Out of my System

I have always said… all my life that God talks to me through song. I know now that none of this has ever been an accident. Its a feeling that warms my heart. It is a feeling of peace. It is a feeling that I crave.

Once upon a time I was having a moment and just at the perfect moment this “Out of my System” song played. This song makes me feel free. This song takes me to a place were I feel good in my own skin. It makes me feel like its ok for me to embrace my new hippy lifestyle. I know that blocks still exist inside me because I think twice before I type things. I worry for a split second about what you are going to think of me when you read these words.

I am proud to say that I only worry for ONE SPLIT SECOND. I have learned to take a deep breath and lean into the fear. I know that I am just used to thinking in this manner. I know that if I really stop and think about it… it does not matter one bit what you think about the words you are reading. I am here to help the mom who is reading this and feeling alone. I want to be here for anyone who feels alone and lost. If my words connect with you… its not an accident. You are not alone. There is light.. there is hope… there is LOVE.

Take a moment to be present every single day. Look, listen, feel…. the voice within you is trying to reach out to you. Sit still… connect!

 

[Verse 1]
Yeah, I could love you
Go get a job and start to save
Stay at my mum’s house

Look out at the window at the rain
Or I could ignore it, but I’d just be fuckin’ with your brain
I only get one shot, yeah, I got dreams in my suitcase

[Pre-Chorus]
So I’ll play a little harder
Do Burning Man in Nevada
Go get lost in the Sahara
Do it all while I got time
Get taken away by the sirens
Go get fucked up on an island

I need to dance with my demons
I don’t want them all my life

[Chorus]
I say before the world gets serious and go buy my shirt and tie
I need to access all areas, work on my chat-up lines
So give me the girls, give me the girls
Give me the beach and the sunshine
Yeah, I’m on a mission
Trying to get it all out of my system
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
[Verse 2]
Is it in your DNA
Are we made for running wild
I gotta get away, yeah
In my own nomadic style
Living la vida, go fiesta
‘Til I max out the Visa
Only got one life I say, yeah
To find the right señorita


[Pre-Chorus]
So I’ll play a little harder
Do Burning man in Nevada
Go get lost in the Sahara
Till we’re safe by the water
Get taken away by the sirens
Go get fucked up on an island
I need to dance with my demons
I don’t want them all my life


[Chorus]
I say before the world gets serious and go buy my shirt and tie
I need to access all areas, work on my chat-up lines
So give me the girls, give me the girls
Give me the beach and the sunshine
Yeah, I’m on a mission
Trying to get it all out of my system
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

[Outro]
Before the world gets serious and go buy my shirt and tie
I need to access all areas, work on my chat-up lines
So give me, the girls, give me the girls
Give me the beach and the sunshine
Yeah, I’m on a mission
Trying to get it all out of my system

https://genius.com/Youngr-out-of-my-system-lyrics

 

 

 

My Spirit Animal

This morning I walked out side and the first thing that I saw was a small bee on the floor. It felt like it was sitting there waiting for me to come outside to say good morning! I thought nothing of it at the time. A little while later I came outside and randomly heard a bee buzz in my right ear… that caught my attention because I feel like when I get taps and nudges they seem to come to me on the right side. I quickly remembered the bee from this morning and a little smile came to my soul knowing that I was connected. I love those little moments with all my heart. They are what JOY feels like.

If that wasn’t enough, before I got to work this morning I was doing a little mediation and a small bee appeared on my right shoulder. That is the magic of life. That moment was everything. Moments like this leave no room for doubt when you are making decisions or looking for signs that you are headed in the right direction.

I quickly did a little research the symbolism of Bees… here is what I found!

Bee Spirit Totem Power Animal Symbolism Meaning 1200x1200

Bee spirit has a strong work ethic but it also knows the importance of stopping and smelling the flowers. There is a time to enjoy life’s nectar and a time to grab after the proverbial brass ring with vehemence. Bee helps with both, and in finding the delicate balance between the two.

The pollination process also symbolizes our social nature. Bees live and work as a community. As they go from flower to flower, that progression enriches the world. Bee people very often become motivational speakers, teachers, healers and light workers for the greater global village. Their language of love is mindful service.

A Bee’s honeycomb represents the Heart Chakra and life’s sweetness. Bee has strong ties to the sun, light and warmth. This creature is sacred to Kama, the God of Love in Hinduism

When Bee comes to you as a Spirit Animal Guide it’s time to take inventory regarding your responsibilities. Are you over-extended or have you perhaps become languid and apathetic? Bee won’t tolerate either extreme. All your hard work means nothing if you don’t get to enjoy the rewards. Likewise, when life stagnates so does your spirit.

Bee is the master of miracles. No matter what you face, Bee will help you find that elusive solution.

Those born with a Bee Totem have a real sense for managing personal energy. Your totem gives you clarity about your Path in life. Work is not a problem for you; nor is play.

Those with Bee totems Tend toward autonomy when it comes to personal needs but are very socially focused otherwise. When they see a need there is no question of helping, particularly if it brings joy and promotes love.

As an emblem of abundance, persistence, industry, communication, teamwork and fruitfulness, call on Bee when you need these energies in your life, or when you wish to send a message to the Divine (particularly needs focused on work and community).

Bee Spirit is very helpful when you’re working with solar magic, particularly sun Goddesses. She also supports success when it feels like you’ve reached a standstill in a project or goal.

It’s amazing what anxieties can dissipate when the warmth of Bee’s sunny spirit shines on your heart!

https://whatismyspiritanimal.com/spirit-totem-power-animal-meanings/insects/bee-symbolism-meaning/

 

Good

I attach my feelings of being good with guilt. Anytime something feels good I feel that guilty about having it. I don’t believe that I deserve it or am worthy of it. This is a deep deep belief that I am ready to leg go of.

I am worthy of being happy. I deserve to be happy. When I am happy I can make other people happy. Being happy is easy. Being happy makes sense. Being happy feels good. I am happy. I can help others be happy.

I am ready to be happy in my life. I am no longer scared of being happy.  I am ready to let go. I know I don’t need to know about tomorrow. I am ready to live right here right now. It is the place where I am most at peace and this is what I want in my life.

Its hard to explain how hard it is to write those words. They are words I know to be true but the feeling is still not strong. I still do not totally believe. But I see it and that is more than I can say for myself a few months ago. I have learned that its not about all or nothing anymore. I have learned that I do not have to be perfect. I can be happy because I am doing my best and I AM ENOUGH.

Its a good feeling. It makes me happy. It is exactly what I keep saying makes me happy. I will do more of it!