This is my story. It has always seemed to be this average girl story but today I know it to be a one in a million type of story. It is my story! I am a mother of a beautiful princess that opened my eyes to what instant love feels like. My son came second and this little boy has made me look so deep into my soul that when I got to the darkest part, I was able to turn around a come back a new person. I am sure that each person is placed into our life for a reason and my husband and kids have truly shown me what it is to love unconditionally.
When I was young I remember mostly happy memories. There are visions of the magic of Disney and warm summers on the boat. I can see the moon shimmering on the water as I gaze up at the sky and stare out into the universe looking for shooting stars with my dad. I remember having a “Brady Bunch” type of family connection where we all just got along. I liked hanging out with my family… and looking back I am thankful for those precious moments we had together because now I know how rare they really are.
I met the love of my life in 10th grade during biology class. I distinctly remember looking at Harold and knowing in my gut that he was “the one.” There would be many many years of friendship before we actually became a thing but I believe that is part of the magic! Somehow, even way back then, I knew that there was something special between us. We built a friendship stronger than any roller coaster ever made.
My 20’s were full of self doubt. Looking back I’m pretty sure that most people were feeling just like me. What is it about life that can make you feel so alone during some of the darkest moments in our life? I have to admit that I have a hell of a support crew. Not only do I have Harold, but I also have my parents and my sister and loads of special friends who have always be there for me. You can say that I am a very lucky girl!
Although there were some darker moments, over all I had an awesome time during my 20’s. I did the University thing and became a nurse. I fell in love and shared a million experiences with Harold. We started our careers and made some money. We bought our first home and got married…. pretty much everything that I ever dreamed about when I was a little girl.
I had my daughter when the week before I turned 30. I had the perfect pregnancy and natural delivery with her. I literally pushed 4 times and she was out! I will share that story at a later time!! My little princess was and is perfect in every way. I remember the first time I heard her heart beat how it rocked my world. There was a little baby life growing in my belly! It was such an empowering feeling! Becoming a mother was an experience that shook me to the core. Its hard for anyone to explain what that kind of love will do to your soul!
My sons pregnancy on the other hand… that was definitely rough! I felt “hungover” for weeks! I basically had a minor panic attack when I found out I was having a baby and even worse when I found out he was a BOY! There were dark times when I would get home and sit in a dark room in silence. I would just sit there and stare. I knew that deep down inside I loved this little boy with all my heart but something was making it almost impossible to be happy about him. I even spent about two weeks in the hospital before I delivered him because my blood pressure got too high and I needed to be monitored more closely. Little man even turned in my belly just two days before delivery making me have to face my biggest pregnancy fear of having a C-section.
Little man was a tough baby to say the least! I had a hard time breastfeeding he cried ALOT… it was almost constant! It was a piercing cry… the kind that makes you shake on the inside. It was hard. It was very hard… very dark… very alone… I had post partum depression. It was a stab to my soul to wear that “hat”… to be labeled “that” kind of person. But during one of my more darker moments while I was pregnant I had made myself a promise to seek help if I didn’t feel better after having the baby. I knew enough to know that there was a chemical imbalance going on in my head and I needed help to get it back to normal again.
I faced my fears and asked my doctor for medication to help with the postpartum depression. Being the “nurse who knows all” I took myself off the initial medication once I “thought” I was feeling better. I also managed to see a terrible psychologist somewhere in the two years that it took me to hit the wall.