I get strep
It feels terrible
I fight to feel better but in the end, have to give in to the pain
It felt close to depression and my panic attack
I remembered that things happen FOR me not TO me
I found gratitude in my situation
That turned into gratitude for my living situation and having the help and support of Harold and his parents
I feel better today
I tell myself that today I will write… and instantly I start to do “other shit” productive shit but other shit! Lol
I folded a mountain of clothes, put them away, and even did the socks…. This is huge… I don’t even know how to explain what a task this is for me at this point! I watched some of my favorite YouTubers and actually let my brain veg out. It felt good.
I got into an Instagram circle and lucking I have been listening to the 5-second rule book and I 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 put down the phone.
I go out to smoke and decide it’s a good idea to use my smoking time as writing time.. Like always.. Why hadn’t I thought of that before?! I go for a gratitude list of course… I wanted to be in a good mental state when I started to write.
I come inside and lay on my bed… it doesn’t have some left over clothes on it because that was the excuse I was using to not have to write! I write all of a title… and say to myself “FUCK I’M STARVING”
Now, let’s think about this. Immediately I was able to tell that the thought was an automatic thought… I usually eat a ton of shit on the reg and most definitely when I’m on the computer! Where did this thought come from?! I haven’t eaten in two days because I’m sick and although I have been hungry it hasn’t’ been THAT bad. Was it because I smoked…. Nope… at least I don’t believe that. Sure the munchies come when I smoke but definitely not 3 minutes after coming inside! It was a HABIT!
I took a minute to realize that writing was definitely a habit that I wanted to start but eating every time I get on the computer was not the best idea to go with. Since I was about to write out the words “Things happen FOR me not TO me” on screen I said to myself “this is the perfect time to start a new habit! At it is!! It hurts too much to eat right now so that is out of the question but maybe tea! A warm cup of tea might actually feel good!” I don’t think twice about it and get up to the kitchen. With each step I take I silence the fear of pain each time I swallow.. I silence the voice that says “Oh you are going to be one of ‘those’ people” (what does that even mean! Why do I do this to myself!)… I silence the thought that I don’t even really like tea! I crush out the darkness and step into the light!
Writing in the kitchen is a great idea. It’s more comfortable to be sitting up anyway. Looking for the cup to drink my tea in I found my “self-publishing school” warmer cup… YES! YES!!! That was definitely a sign that I am moving in the right direction!!!!!
While the water is warming I take a minute to do the dishes… I silence the voice that says “I feel like shit… I don’t have time for this… it’s going to take too long…” The dishes get done in all of the 2 minutes it took to wash what was there. The mind can be a little crazy when you step back and realize all the ways you hold your self back!
While washing I remember “mindful eating” – this was the perfect starting point!! I took my warm water and started to steep my tea. I took slow deep breaths and noticed how warm and fruity it smelled. I looked at the little herbs inside trying to spot the yellow specs (that’s one of my grounding tools… spotting yellow objects in the room). I took my time and tried to savor the moment. Did I do this for the whole 5 minutes… nope.. Not at all…. My mind wanders constantly! It’s like a child really! But I would gently guide myself back to the present moment…. And enjoy… and you know what.. I was proud of myself!
I decided to add a spoon full of honey to my tea because honey just makes everything better! I visualized myself enjoying my cup of tea. I visualized the warm tea soothing my throat. I visualized making this a new habit! I visualized myself happy and proud… that was easy because I was!! I have come a long way to get to this moment. I am grateful!!
And now I have been writing for maybe 30 minutes. My tea is delicious and my throat feels much better! There is power in positivity… I have no doubt about that!