At the moments it is 9:48 and my adorable son is crying in bed too tired to function. He’s crying and moaning and whining…. he gets into these loops where he repeats the same phrase over and over and over again. At the moment its “can’t sit mami” – he wants me to sit on the floor at the foot of his bed while he falls asleep.
I seriously feel like the shittiest mom sitting here typing while my son is crying. I hate to think that I am not there for him. It breaks my heart. I just want to hold him in my arms until he falls asleep. That’s not going to happen, though. He has been playing this bedtime drama now for a few weeks and today is the peak of crap!
The kids always want to stay in our bed for “snuggles” a “little” longer. Tonight we gave in and let them try to fall asleep in our bed while I took a shower. Cheeks (5-year-old daughter) was exhausted and fell asleep instantly. The Bear (my 2-year-old son) on the other hand was wide awake! He’s not begging me to put a blanket on him… “I want blanket mami”…. I hate this shit!
I gave in to the blanket. I always give in to the blanket!! The blanket usually means we are at the end of his rant. EXCEPT FOR WHEN HE GETS RIGHT OUT OF BED AND ASKS TO “do caca” GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I mention how much I hate this!!??
1005 – I think he’s pretty much asleep…. I gave in and held him in my arms and rocked him to sleep. It kills me that he just wants a little lovin… what if I am somehow hurting him by letting him cry. Parenting can be so freaking hard sometimes!
Today I had all these plans to get some stuff done for this blog, work on a little meditation with the hubs… maybe even some lovin before bed…. nope… nope… nope! With a wake-up call of 430 tomorrow its just not happening. I choose not to beat myself up about not completing my tasks for the day… instead, I pat myself on the back and say “I am proud of you Nancy… you did your best today” – period… it ends there… no ifs and or buts!
It’s not worth going down the other road… I have been there before. I’ve done that! I know exactly where that road leads. Today I’m sitting here… very frustrated… pretty damn angry… taking slow deep breaths saying… “I am doing my best.”
It’s now 10:15…. he is still awake and asking for the blanket….. I remind myself how much I love him and try my hardest to keep my nasty feelings inside. I know he knows what I am feeling because I know he is special like that… I am grateful that I have come a very long way but humble enough to know that the road ahead is a long one.
Thanks for hanging out with me and letting me vent!
Peace and love